De scheduled kiss of a celebrity…

“A celebrity is a person who works hard 2 become well known, and then wears dark glasses 2 avoid being recognised”- Fred Allen

Siva: Did u know miza…my appa is gonna get declared dead…

Mizaj: I didn’t get that…

Siva: When’s de last time u read a newspaper…? gosh…well appa was one of de 228 persons reported to be missing in the post-Godhra riots. Hmmm…after 7 long years de authority is set 2 declare them dead…

Mizaj: Oh that’s sad…

Siva: Who’s sad…? Ha…i never depended on him…neither did amma…he was nothin but a self proclaimed servant of god...scoff…hmmm….my little Krishna has only got chance to lick wrappers of dairy milk…

M: Oh c’mon siv…

S: Yeah yeah…i forgot…this is time to enjoy….na….

M: :) Yep…idiot…u r always gud in spoilin mood…grrr….so werz my romantic hero…

“oh world…after 18 long years…my soul mate is gonna kiss me 4 de first time…”

S: “Unfortunately oh world…dis can’t b aired in front of de multitude”

M: Hmmm…so what did u actually mean…??? grrrr

S: Oh manduka in de well…India is yet 2 grow…at least few nooks…nopes…i can’t call that growth…niway….if I had few bucks on my own…plus lots of guts i wud’ve shouted …”this is my gal….” n hug u so hard dat u pant 4 breath…hmmm

M: Again…i didn’t understand…siv…hmm i missed all de fun at school…hmm….leave it…u r my world…ive learnt very little…but wen im wid u…i need nothin else…

S: Miza, u wer always der 4 me…amma’ll never say a ‘no’ wen she learns dat her son needs Miza…but rest of de family…hmmm….uncle who fed our tummies will cut my tongue if i present de proposal…i don’t even know if i’ll have de courage…It’s uncle’s purse that paid my bus ticket to the Set…

M: Don’t worry dear…2 love ain’t a fault na…i know u a lot more than anyone…don’t worry…i won’t complain…

S: Stupid…who said i’ll make u complain…? Hey who do u think u r standing with…?? he he…

M: Who? oH FORGOT…Itz Sivashanker….nopes… director Sivashanker…nopes writer sivashanker….he he…who knows…one day i’ll end up as yer manager…manager of de siva fans association girls’ wing…he he

S: Wow…illiteracy never prevents the quick witted Mizaj…

SMAAASH

S: Oooo dat hurt…creep…He he…wat if de lips swell…how am i gonna kiss thee?

M: oops…bad jokes get paid…grrr…u pompous pre-celebrity…Hmmm…

S: Miza, by de grace of de super natural power u believe in…(scoff)…or due to sheer luck…my talents(ahem ahem) got an exposure…my story turning into a movie script was just a dream…fortunately de dream came true…i feared if dey wud kick de penny less dirty siva out of de set…ill worship de human director 4 offering me a seat…

M: It’s like dat siv…nothin can b hidden for long…trust me…one day yer book will become reality…

S: Book…music…hey Miza…i how much shud i pay de manager?? he he

M: I wud hav asked 4 de celebrity himself…but i don’t wanna hurt his family…

S: Luv at times turn me blind dear…i fear if, one day…i might even forget yer dad…de great person who taught me to write…

M: Believe in god siv…he’ll guide us…

S: Damn…k…k…ill giv him a chance…niway hey…ill admit dat sumthin indeed played a part in all dat happened…in de magic dat is about 2 happen in Siva’s life…

M: Daz my boy…he he…Even krishna might be smilin from above hearin de atheist saying this…

S: No way…my sister lost her life due yer god…

M: No…siva…it was ignorance…dat tuk her life away

S: She was just 16…curse de pig heads who discovered Astrology…chovva dosham…they said…v delay her marriage for a year, and v’ll have 2 wait till she gets 30 for another auspicious date…

hmmm…amma still owes few kilos of notes 2 de banks…de poor man’s wedding bash…itz de first thing that ive 2 settle with what im payed…

M: K…K….IDIOT…daz enough…uve spoiled de chance again…everyone’s gonna b bak…no more time left…get out of here now…grrr…

S: :) k…herez de deal…de movie gets released…Siva n Mizaj sits side by side n watch de first show…then the candle lit dinner at ERRR…de canteen near de movie hut…n at twilight v walk along de tides…n i gift my luv de million dollar kiss…n den i carry u 2 my family n proclaim “IM IN LUV…MIZAJ ISMAIL will remain wid me 4 four long years….i turn 21 n then i marry her legally”….

M: (Smilin) n then?

S: Uncle takes de sharpest weapon within reach…n WE FLEEEEE

M:he he…oh dear…luv u much…mmmmwaaaaaaahhhhh

S: Idiot dis kiss was scheduled 4 a future date…hmmm..de Pre release kiss…he he…

:)

The CHOVVA DOSHAM (A Star War)

‘TAARE’ ZAMEEN PAR…!!!

If it weren’t my own television set I would have smashed the screen with the remote control I held. Preity Zinta will no longer show off her dimples for BSNL. Instead the long legs of Deepika Padukone are going to lure customers from now on.
Am I happy?

A press on the remote control drives me to a round table conversation, the topic…”Shouldn’t the drunken minister have slapped his wife on her left cheek rather than the right?” Some of the nation’s best thinkers (and that means those thinkers who have nothing else to do) spit out their ‘precious’ opinions.

ME: MAMMMMAA I hope you are not booking tickets to Switzerland to get chocolate.

MAMMA: Kuttu, be patient!!! Chocolate milk is on the way. Ooo…c’mon sonny, you are 21 now…do you know that?
ME: Yeah! And what is that supposed to mean? A quarter of my pals are now employed and messaging me their salaries. And who the hell forced me to join a medical college?

MAMMA : Aha! Okay it’s me. But see the advantage.

ME: Advantage?!

MAMMA: Yeah. You have a reason for not touching the daily newspapers.

ME: Yupp.

MAMMA: Because no economic depression or Tsunami is going to deprive you of your bed coffee.

I had nothing to say. I switched off the television.

ME: Do you know mamma how much it hurts to see them suffering?

MAMMA: Them?

DAD: “Me? Great…this is the plight of every married man sunnie…” Dad popped his head out of ‘Business Today’.

ME:Dad…I said THEM, not HIM…grrrr…
DAD: Ha ha…Okay continue….

ME: I have to wait near the colossal Silver Jubilee gate of our college every morning to board the bus to the Regional Institute of Ophthalmology. I stand there…watching their miserable lives.
MAMMA: C’mon can you cut the suspense off from this?

ME: They earn their bread selling toothbrushes, towels and stuff…Some are paupers selling notes worth lakhs or crores.

You know mamma, some moments it’s a special warmth you get watching them enjoying giggling at each other, fighting with customers (The Bargain Rajas). My sole competitor for the shade of the gate is a self proclaimed healer who assures the mass around him that what he holds is a panacea that can cure all illnesses.

Bravo…I would say…a panacea being hawked right in front of the State’s official gung ho of registered healers.

Of the many vendors is a mother…emaciated out of poor business knack…perhaps her dingy looks held back customers. Her kid, half naked, is playing with a stray puppy…no…not Dobermann or German Shepherd…well it’s up to the Municipal Corporation to decide it’s breed. She has spicy vadas and samosas. Poor lady…!!!


The next moment, sometimes, I would see fear in their eyes. They would pack their ‘shops’, wrap up the articles and run away. After a few minutes, once the jeep of the ‘Flying Squad’ had cleared, everything went back to normal. My bus would come by then.

DAD: C’mon don’t tell me it’s this that bothers you.

ME: What the…? Dad…it is chaos everywhere…the world is really a bad place to live these days.

DAD :Not ‘these days’ son…the day Adam or Eve or whoever walked in, earth was contaminated!!! But what is philosophy doing here at this time of the day…

ME: A pal of mine called, a while back.


MAMMA: And that worried you? What happened sonnie? DAD :Hi…hi…she said no to your proposal?
DAAAAAAAAAAAD.
I was ready to jump over him. But hey…there must be a spy somewhere in my class…did dad really get the news?

MAMMA: RAAAAJ…c’mon…who is the grown up here…? (Mamma interferes)

Sonnie…which gal was it anyway?
ME:Mamma…et tu brutus….Gosh…

MAMMA: Hi Hi.

ME:K. It was Rekha. My school mate.
DAD: BINGO…Wow…your ex??? …she wanted to invite you to her wedding…right son? Howz ma guess?

ME: C’mon this ain’ fair.

MAMMA: Raaj…cut the crap please… (Thanks mammaa….)

ME: Well mom…dad’s right…it’s her wedding…but she says she ain’t prepared. She wants to take her job at Microsoft and earn some bucks for her own before getting ‘wed-locked’.

MAMMA: Aha…but what’s the rush? She’s of your age na?

DAD : Darling…bad memory…the gal is exactly a year older…remember kuttu’s face on that 14th of February? She had rejected, telling “Hey…you are still a toddler”!!!

(If it weren’t my dad I would have poured a bucket of water over him for reminding me about that black Valentine ’s Day.)

ME:Well mamma…’astrology’ screwed her…they found a “CHOVVA dosham “…and that means a groom should also have the same ‘dosham’. And the parents are worried since they can’t risk throwing away the current proposal. They say it’s tough to get everything rightly placed at a time -“Nair” (a Hindu community), “Handsome”, “Chovva dosham”, “Profession”, “Family background”.
MAMMA: What is the problem with the current proposal then?

ME: The guy is 10 years older than her. Mamma…a 31 year old engineer cum bachelor must have some kinda defect

MAMMA: Well…kuttu..31 years…hmmm…you are right…the fact is… A 24 year old Engg.graduate will have a bank balance of his own…but a 24 year old “just MBBS” doctor will just have passed out of his college. I would demand an age gap of at least five between a couple. Am I right Raj?
DAD: Yes Senior

MAMMA: Whaaaaaaaaat?


DAD: Hey I was kidding honey. Well,Kuttu. You know what. Even the most liberal dad will spare time for a second thought when his son falls for a gal of a different community or a religion…


Even the most stringent atheist will wear a mask or use the time of a power cut to visit an astrologer to cross check his child’s ‘fate’ before marrying him off.


But don’t you worry son. Your dad is an odd-man. What is the big deal with all the ‘star troubles’? Even god is a concept manipulated for our own greed.

I don’t even worry about the dowry. Hi hi…a ‘doctor’ son will automatically win a few kilos of gold and at least a Chevrolet…well more ‘degrees’ means…Mercedes or BMW…HI HI…!!!


ME: That’s the spirit dad…that’s the spirit. You know mamma…did you notice our new neighbours? They have a gal…name’s Rhazia…and she’s just entering her college.

It rained last week. I had an umbrella and she didn’t.


Dad, she wants me to hurry…a muslim…she says her dad is already out, searching for a groom.

(I didn’t wait to enjoy the bewildered look in my ‘liberal cum hardcore communist-by-the-heart’ dad’s face. I rushed back having returned the empty glass to mamma.)