The Bureaucrat

(Thanks to blogadda)

Everyone loved to dream, so did I. I think I did imbibe a difference, by scripting a different tale. Born with a silver spoon? No. Neither did I have to learn under a street light. ‘Middle class’ is the term. Perhaps it is this cousin who exhausted her bank account for making herself look better, who inspired me to strive elevating to the higher class. Luxury cars often fascinated me during my long walks towards work. The money saved by each walk would never add up to get me one. Forefathers apparently were lazy enough, for they didn’t even leave me a legacy to boast about. All that would deter me from wanting to jump out of this cattle class was the serenity that often filled my mind. It didn’t take the transient dreams too long a time to win their battle over my love affair with serenity. A devil walked in to my life; shook my hands. Short cut to richness would lure any sane mortal, I reasoned. Time took a faster leap. My eyes just blinked. It was all going to happen. The brand new smile that I gave birth to let me bypass conscience. Bureaucracy turned out to be a fun. A sharp brain; timely silence; seasonable grins all favoured me. I played with red tapes.

The green-eyed monsters were more powerful. The current location from where I write this is just a proof of how strong they are. Trust me; this was never the victory of truth. The level of corruption that I exercised was weaker than what they could. Or, perhaps I was just a novice. Well, penitence doesn’t flood my words. That doesn’t however mean that I would ride along the same path as soon as I get released from here. My love, believe me when I say that my heart is still pure. I know you will. Well who should read me better? When I say that I would not dare to turn deaf to your thoughts anymore, it is recommended that you take it as a promise, at least for now. Life is complicated. Too many neuronal circuits are firing from within, so let me conclude for now. See you soon.

With lots of love,

The guy who still holds your heart.

(For those who came in late: Manipulator, Beast)

The Silence

It is rather unusual for the night to be this silent. I strain to the extreme and all I hear is my heart’s thud. The room is so filled by darkness that the tiny LED light from the mobile phone charger shines like the sun himself. This phone is supposed to break the silence. But, why isn’t that happening.

Is that a cough? I rush to their room. No, it’s nothing. See, I’m sweating. I should make a call now. Perhaps I can wait. Before returning to my room I tried to find if any sound walked out of that keyhole at all. When did Dad stop snoring anyway? Peace for now. I did have trouble finding my blanket. But weren’t I sweating a while back? It’s cold anyway. It seems monsoon has no plans to give way to the other seasons this year. Rains that flooded the day did leave behind this calm cool night. The phone is still silent. No, I shouldn’t wait further. I dial the number. “Switched off,” says the recorded message. My heart began to beat louder.

Is that a cough? Ouch! The chair collapses with me. Leg’s hurt, I’m sure. I begin to crawl to the room. The pain makes me groan. The door opens with a majestic loudness. That’s mom, “Rohan! Oh my god! Are you okay? Dear, what is happening?”

The pain is still there. They are safe. Nothing’s wrong. Should this night stay any longer? The phone’s screen has no plans to light up, it seems. “Switched off,” and once again that’s my heart that I am listening to.

I should have exhausted myself. Dad found me sleeping on floor, in front of his door. At least it is not night anymore. The phone has nothing new for me.

Once upon a time in Twitter

Pardon my ignorance, for I am really poor when it comes to finding words to describe the beauty that I saw in her. It was the prettiest thing that ever happened to me. Why did it rain? Why did I walk into the Coffee House?

“Nithin? You are Nithin Jayan...right? Wow this is cool! Still puzzled? We met in the timelines of twitter”

We talked for hours. It was like we knew each other for ages. It still rained.

Coffee; another hour; the rain never stopped.

The virtual world was gifting me a fairy tale to fill my rather mundane life.

Thunder!

It’s still dark.

What did she look like? Her voice? Her name? Her Handle?

A key stroke; the laptop wakes from sleep. The twitter whale jeers at me.

(Handle- username, Twitter whale- the fail whale that pops up when twitter fails)

Life: Enter Here

I stood facing the door. Fear would wear out any moment from now. Walking towards it was never my choice. I will now quit the search that I started aeons ago; the search for that invisible force that drove me. No more wasted seconds on it. A rather mundane home called ‘Life’ now has a frequent visitor. ‘Revelations’ is what he calls himself. I do remember one or two instances when I beckoned him, held his hands, brought him in, and served him tea. We talked for hours. I still curse the very moment I felt like telling him, “Don’t forget that signboard, my home’s just a minute from there.” What an unrefined guest he is? Or is it that my gestures still fail to speak my disapproval of his frequent visits? Today is yet another day; he will walk in any moment. Against my choice, he will hold me like his kid, and we would walk through that door. In his presence I am always a baffled listener with mouth wide open, a clamorous pounding heart and at times with goose flesh. He just smiles, as if he never spoke a word. The foundation of Life was laid 23 years back. Revelations is definitely older than anyone I know of. He says that we had actually met a long time before the ‘very first rendezvous that I speak about.’ I don’t have the faintest memory of that anyway. Who cares? I hate him.

Life is about to be taken over. It’s a shame, I know, when the new owner is being held back by Fear. I never knew that he existed. It has just been days since I was told, “Be ready my son, Life will soon be yours.” He appeared from now where. I always knew that something more real exists beyond that yet-to –be-explored door. That piece of information was again conveyed to me last summer by Revelations. Fear clocked in; I still remember that evil grin. “You can’t keep me away from that door for long mate,” I would say and Fear wouldn’t even blink.

I am confused; I hate Revelations, yet here I am waiting for him; I hate Fear, yet here I am using him as an excuse. The door is ajar.

And he walked in...

a Sixth Sense

I fear my intuitions. The past has taught me to do that. But to remain frozen on a dusty bench staring at the road for ten minutes is, yes it should be, crazy. Am I just hallucinating that these passers-by are throwing glares at me? I don’t know. I am not sure if this would happen. Neither am I an insane mortal inspired by those ‘Final Destination’ stuffs. No! this will happen!! What paralyses me is the fact that there isn’t a thing that I can control here. What is destined to happen is inexorable. I’m cursed. It’s like God ran out of everything that man can be bestowed with when he chose sixth-sense to be my gift. Am I the only one who can hear the tick from my wrist watch? How long is this going to take?

“Mom can I have it?”

“Wow, and that twinkle melts my heart? Okay fine, take it.”

“Love you Mom!”

“And that stays longer than that candy?”

“Now we’ll rush before it rains”

“Fear your Dad, not the rains…he’s all gaga over the party tonight”

“Rain rain go away...!”

“Now come here hold my hands. The road’s a mess.”

“Mom?”

“Okay what is it this time?”

“See that guy at the other side? That bench? He’s scaring me with a look Mom”

“I think I asked you give me your hands, now Master can you do that? The lights are yet to be repaired. It’s about to rain. If we don’t’ rush now I’ll have to win over the cold before it catches you.”

A cool breeze caressed every soul.

She held his hands and stepped on to the road.

AAAAAAAAARG! Oh, my ears. Lord I can’t stand this any longer. AAAAAAAARG!

“Is something wrong? Need any help?”

“Err no it’s fine, thanks.”

The young man walked away, swaying to sides. It began to rain.

Later that night, somewhere far away…

“Dad that guy’s look still scares me.”

“Oh tiger forget him now!”

Silence of the Heart

I know I know…I am not sure if this is the first request that I am firing. But, yeah you know well…that this is the time. Now or…’Never’??? Nerds say that answer to all lie hidden in the sub conscious mind…but where’s the key to this much hyped safe? Who cares…I wonder why I’m in a fix when things are clearer than day light. But…no…something’s wrong somewhere…it always is. So are you going to yell out or what? It’s just a word…”Yes” or a “No”. Yeah, I’m used to your silence…but now…It’s deafening me. I’m just a step away from insanity. I used to read your eyes very well. Every gesture…every blink…and true you never spoke. Dumb…you where…but never deaf. I used to get an answer every time, and yeah always in my favour. What else could come out from you?

But mate…or myself….whatever you are…tell me now…a Yes or a No. Lives rest in those letters…Some asked me to follow my heart. Yeah I let my heart drive, ignored the brain for a while. Lucky I was…the trouble I drove into was a sweet one. Apparently the world was good…for a while…and then came in a binge of reality...and Fantasies rushed to places I would never reach…I didn’t want to search for them either.

This is what Life is after all. What is the thrill if everything happens the way I wish…the way I want…the way I dream? Life has to move on…with every second filled with vigour. No…the grapes are not sour…and it’s not always a matter of perception.

Well…you never change…the same old silence…I won’t blame you…But yeah It’ll get darker, and then you disappear…but….but…I don’t want you to return…at least for a while…I’m going to take away your life…

The sound of shattering glass echoed for a while.

He didn’t die, did he glare? No…he’s always calm…from one of those shattered pieces he was smiling… conveying his answer…was that a Yes or a No?

THE BEAST

1

None of the events that make this story would’ve occurred if a loathed rascal lazily rested home instead of his regular night ‘patrol’ in the street. I am not exactly sure if he had a heart, but he stopped on hearing me weeping. I was then a pink mass, fresh with a bleeding umbilical cord. I don’t know if my mother had seen my face before she breathed the last puff of blood-tinged air. Well I was born...in a dark corner of the street and a thief found me. If I hadn’t distracted him, a Clerk who lived in the next street would’ve filled the newspapers the next day. My ‘DAD’ had planned to rob a Clerk that night. But on his way, he found me.

Unaware (and least bothered) of the purity of blood that gushed through my vessels, I grew up. Perhaps saving my life was the only good thing that my ‘DAD’ ever did. His deeds were rewarded well.

The day that marked my 18th birthday began with a commotion at one corner of the street. It occurred around a blood drenched lifeless body. I ran. No one was chasing me but I was running...unaware of what I was running from.

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2

His soul might wander for years recklessly, for the kind of death he had was not the one he wished for. He’ll be one of the very few mortals who lived all forty-five years exactly the way they wished. He was invincible. He was never deprived of anything...he would get whatever he wanted, by any means. Never did he bother about the pain he caused when he snatched his wishes from people - wealth or dignity.

He brought me up the way he wished. He used to say, “You won’t live on Earth for more than a life time, the life you now live is a one-time affair; there is no rebirth”. He repeatedly recited that he lived on principles. I would listen to him innocently biting the fresh loaves he brought, ignorant of what his mumbles meant. I was always a mature listener in his eyes. As a five-year old, I understood nothing...but with years, I began to grasp what he said.

The man was ignorant. “Slam the doors at beggars and Education. Neither is of any utility”, he said. Man is a beast in chains. Once the shackles are broken, he is more dangerous and wicked than a hungry hyena. “They say that education opens the gate to growth. An ignorant man errs barbarically while an educated one executes the same errors in a more civilised yet crooked fashion”, I don’t know how this man, my ‘DAD’, could speak so convincingly...but this one made sense. .There are just three entities that define the purpose of life-food, wealth, and sex.

He never forced me to take his path. Instead, he jeered at and cursed my creators. We were never bound to each other by any strong forces. He gave me what one needed to live. I stayed with him. If I were a burden he would have disposed me, but that never happened. Perhaps all that he wanted was something with life in it to listen to him.

The monotony of life began to disturb my sleep. Once I said this to him, he said, “Monotony, boredom...yeah that’s because you never get a chance to wait for something, I bring them to you before you start craving”, he then glanced at his watch, “wait! you said monotony right? Now I get it, you are growing up man; see past 17...I used to have similar problems at this age. But, hey, you know what I was physically stronger than you are now. And the pretty lady who appeared in my path one night was too weak to run away from my grasp”

“Lord...you have been a rapist too?” never before had I questioned him.

“Just once...once...I didn’t know about brothels then...neither did I have the money; No remorse; she was 15 and not a virgin” he calmly replied.

‘But you never knew that when you chased her’ I didn’t have the courage to shout that at him. Strange! The man always has a reason for everything.

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3

Spring never lasts, neither does a storm. For the first time in my life I saw fear in his eyes. I couldn’t think of a reason. But something was definitely wrong. As he was about to leave I asked the one question that always puzzled me, “Why did you stop for me that night?”

He slowed his steps. “I was not in a hurry that night, and had minutes to spare when I heard your cry. It was bloody all around. I stared at the pale lifeless body near you. I stared at her face; was struck by a thunderbolt...the face was familiar...I had seen that same paleness in her face before,  when she struggled to escape from me. Don’t women age?”

I felt paralyzed, couldn’t speak a word. It was already dark.

“Ciao...kid”, did he smile when he said that?

I stayed on bed for another hour, and then rose. I knew what to do or was it an impulse? I don’t know. I began to walk; I knew the path he might’ve taken that night...I rushed.

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4

I can’t run anymore. Where have I reached? All I know is this; no one will ever question me for what I’ve done.

But for the time being, let me hide in the dark...alone, with not even my shadow to disturb.

TELL HER I CAME...THAT I KEPT MY WORD

10:15am

Oh! No...This shouldn’t be real. It’s indeed true that in 22 years of my existence, there has not been a single instance when I did something on time. But this time around...I won’t beg for pardon. How could I be late? Where did I go...what was I doing for the past fifteen minutes...? God Oh God...tell me my watch is a liar.

10 o’ clock was my decision. I think she said ‘yes’ to it. Or did she? In spite of the crystal clear reception I had barely breathed just to make sure that I wouldn’t miss a word that she said. Yeah she said ‘yes’.

Hey, should I panic? After all, if everything works fine, I’m supposed to lock her up for a life time...in my heart. So is fifteen minutes all that long?

Oh...it is...

We’ve known each other for more than a year now...and imagine the kind of amusement that’ll shower upon even the hardest of the souls when they know that this is the first time we are meeting. I think that’ll explain the length of these fifteen minutes.

I believe this’ll be the longest fifteen minutes in her life.

Wait...what’s that rush out there...? Whatever it is, I don’t have seconds or minutes to spare. It’s not because I’m selfish, but...I have things that are more vital to my life. After all it’s my life that I’m supposed to take care of...

Okay...fine...I am selfish...got that? O...o...I am wasting my time again...Run Forrest run!!! Princess is waiting for you.

It was a year back when she wrongly typed in an e-mail address. She never knew that my heart would end up as the inbox. Ever heard of a love story that began with the heroine sending her resume to the hero? In our case...that happened.

What is she going to look like? Well...don’t jeer at me...it’s a fact that I never asked for her picture. All that I have is the description that poured out of the only common friend we had...

I know her voice. For, it’s the mesmerising ‘hello’ that flew through the telephone line that created ripples in my ear drum and later in my heart. My interests in her sprouted up in the orchard of ‘chat rooms’! I still remember the tremor with which I typed in ‘can you give me your phone number’.

That is the past...and today...after a year of romance through words, I’ll meet her. Do I really expect the beauty of my dreams? Is she going be taller than me? Is the colour contrast going to be too ‘drastic’? O...o...god...should I really care? Well...now I know...Love is blind!!! But just imagine...my wedding, and reality returning with a vengeance. He he...!!!

OOOOfffff at last...Thar she blows!!!!

That bench in the park...and there she sits...the unseen princess of my life.

Oh! I can’t see her face...

I’ll slowly give you a surprise ‘hi’ from your back!!! Here I come...here...

Closer...almost there...

O...am I supposed to believe this...!!! She is a charming fairy!!! O...!!! LUCKY DUDE!!!

Yeah...now is the time...

Hey is she nervous? Yeah...she should be!!! Her fingers must have fatigued hitting the call button in her mobile. Poor princess! Wait...why isn’t my mobile still ringing?

Shall I touch her? Ooo...

“HELLO...ARE YOU THE BEAUTY WHO HAS BEEN CHATTING WITH A PRINCE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR? WELL...I BELIEVE I AM LATE...BY SAY...20 MINUTES!!!”

I think I sounded majestic! But is she deaf?

“HELLO???”

Is there a problem?

“HEY, it’s me Nithin. Hello.”

Oh! Is this girl blind?

Hey...there is a problem..."Sneha...can’t you see me? "

Is this supposed to be a prank?

She is still pressing those buttons in her mobile. Why in the world isn’t my mobile ringing?

Aaaha...well two can play this game, let me see...I’ll share this corner of the bench

Wait...Hey man...what...are you planning to sit on my lap? Oh...C’mon...You stink...Oh there should be an asylum to keep lunatics like you.

Ooooo...no no...I’ll rise...

Wait...your watch is blood stained...

Hey that’s mine...this is not possible...

Sneha is trying again. K...K...no more games...

But but...something’s lit up in the shaggy pocket of the tramp.

That’s my ringtone...

Oh! There she looked up expectantly...and for a brief moment I think I saw a gleam in her eyes...

My princess...

Seeing the tramp she looked away...

I saw tears swelling up in her eyes. She rose, silent, walked off into the distance...

(Thanks to Azgar...and someone else...)

The Manipulator

(Thnx 2 blogadda...this post featured in the top picks click here)

To change or not to change...it was never hard to make a choice. The galvanizing fact that I was alive meant I could change. ‘Who would turn the key’ was the million dollar question. I would either let Time do the magic or I would let my brain do the manipulation. Naturally I chose the second option. How could someone blame me? I am a human...within the trillions of neuronal circuits rests all...man, beast, and god. They would fight each other all the time...victory would never rest with one for eternity...it keeps on changing. But I would never know who won...The end product is never merely a physical change that a mirror would reflect.

This time, however, I assumed the beast had won. How else could the thought of breaking a promise made years back pop up in my brain? Just like anyone around, I had a reason...just to substantiate my stand...’betrayal of a friend’ was hence easy. After all everything happens for a reason...good or bad.

Unknown and unseen forces conspired and a multitude of traits mixed up in magical proportions and a human form sprouted up...took the form of the lady of my dreams. I realised she was the one for me at the very first sight. It took me ages however to manipulate myself and her and the entire milieu, and the purpose was served... We married...every one concluded our chapter with the words ‘and they lived happily ever after’...

The immortality of our love would someday end up just like any other fact that fills the universe...’another fallacy’. What is a ‘fact’ anyway? You prove something to be true today and Time or another petite mortal proves the opposite, some other day. Not even science can fill gaps. The very gaps that science leaves are filled by deadly lies...or soothing lies. The ever soothing God, or a plundering demon, or a weird superstition, are all proofs for the weaknesses of science.

The very truths I had spun myself would someday shatter before her innocence. But the very fear that revelations would drive her away prevented me from spilling the truths. All I wanted was to win the prettiest damsel my eyes had ever seen. I didn’t care about the true inner beauties that adorned her. But there was someone who loved it, the closest friend of mine who introduced her to me years back. Naive he was...ignorant he was about the devil who took birth in me the moment I saw her. The poor chap didn’t know how to propose. The princess never had a clue about the place she had in his heart.

He was a moron...winning his trust over matters took seconds. I brilliantly penned the rest of the tale. By the end of a month...I ‘made’ her realise that all he wanted was her body. Just like a complementary gift came her trust on me. Everything worked so well.

With time I realised she was much more than the sexy curves and charming charisma that lured me. She taught me to respect the inner beauty of womanhood. Remorse began to flood my heart. I would give her the love and warmth that no one else would have bestowed her with. That would be the only holy water that can wash my sins.

My poor friend still lives somewhere...probably still unaware of what had happened...Heaven or hell...wherever you are...my friend, let me spill the truth...I had to kill you...your attempt to suicide never worked out...I rushed you to the hospital...you were put on dialysis...the toxins flushed out...the doctor put you on iv infusion. I had to push some potassium into it when no one else was looking so as to bring the sudden arrhythmia that none could save you from.

No one would figure things out...but I fear...someday...I would tell her the truth...but by that time, I’m damn sure she won’t think that she missed you. Love is all that matters dear friend...

See you in hell or heaven,

The Manipulator