The PHYSIOLOGY of University Examinations

Love, Death, Solitude… and there goes the long list of “driving” factors that made men spit out some of the best works of literature. But I don’t know why no one ever mentioned about “exam” the wonder stuff. As far as I know, it is a promising theme for research. It is one scenario that tears open the true potential of human brain.

The ‘pushing’ syndrome-(in Malayalam local slang “thallal”-‘L’ pronounced as L in flame not lame)

• You get a question about colostrum and the never before pondering mind of yours scans even your phase of infancy for the term. At last, panting, you switch on to the creative mood and writes: colostrum is one autosomal recessive condition affecting the efficiency of colon, it is more prevalent in males….and so on.

It is real magic. Darwin’s theories best workout inside exam halls. I bet, within centuries man will evolve a pair of eyes on the back of head. Oh! Lord if a mutation can gift me with this now…please let that happen so that I can glance at the answer sheet behind me. Then comes the utility of ventriloquism. One, without any previous training, can throw his voice to distances asking for answers.

Telepathy

• I still don’t know to explain this properly. How students (including me) learnt this. I doubt over a question, and simply ‘gaze’ at the “bhuji” beauty sitting to my right. Without even a whisper, she turns her head and performs a mime giving me the clue!!!

Loss of orientation

• Loss of orientation is one common sign or symptom developing during the burning season. The recent university exam rendered me literally ignorant of facts like ‘its Sunday after Saturday’ and so on. I switched on to the primitive methods of counting days. No more do I respect Robinson Crusoe for managing without a calendar.

Psychosomatic stuff

• Oooo… I finally tracked down the villain that yelled from within my big tummy. One night I honestly got tensed to death, “oh is that an appendix ready to burst? Or is it some internal haemorrhage?” The stomach pain was at its peak. No drugs saved me and at last once I safely covered a part of the topics for the exams two days ahead, the pangs dissolved into thin air. Same with the clogged sinuses.

Hypersensitivity

• The hypersensitivity that made me scratch my nose tip was also traced to the dusty pages of my previously untouched text book.

Ahankaram

• And last but not the least, my favourite topic-AHANKARAM. A palpitating deer steps into the exam hall, and the day is good, some of the questions were easy ones for the deer…it quickly transforms into a tiger once the exam ends…it jumps out yelling at unlucky fellows (unlucky for a day), “How could you people not revise such a vital heading…you shouldn’t have missed it”….the reverse happen the next day…and it thus goes on…
• (for non malayalees, ahankaram is a ‘trait’ for example: The last forensic medicine exam is tomorrow. You have a whole lot to learn and then the latest Kamalhaasan flick get released “Dasavatharam” and you rush for the noon show…with the ahankaram that you will return…dive into text book…conquer the syllabus…in plain english ‘conceited’???)

‘SAMBHAVAMI YUGE YUGE’